In this article series, I’ve been asking:
How do YOU prepare for the holidays?
In the last article, I introduced the “Karpman Drama Triangle” to help you become aware of possible unhealthy relationship dynamics you might find yourself tempted to get sucked into around the holiday season (or in general!).
As a reminder, the triangle has three corners labeled as following: 1) persecutor, 2) rescuer, and 3) victim.
Think of each of these words as describing a particular attitude, mindset, or energy that a person has that contributes to living in the triangle which involves unhealthy relationship dynamics and remember: all of these mindsets feed off each other.
You can’t have a persecutor mindset without having a victim to persecute and a rescuer to counter-balance you.
You can’t have a victim mindset without having a persecutor in mind and implicitly, a rescuer to look to.
You can’t have a rescuer mindset without a victim to rescue and a persecutor to rescue the victim from.
It’s a rather unholy trinity of chaos, disorder, and dysfunction!
In this article, I’d like to talk to you about “rescuer” energy.
A rescuer is “someone who helps someone out of a dangerous or unpleasant situation.”
Now, at first glance, you may be thinking..what’s wrong with a rescuer or wanting to be a rescuer?
Let’s clarify…I’m not talking about firefighters or first responders who must act in the face of danger to save others from dangerous situations! Thank God for such rescuers!
I’m also not talking about situations where a parent or caregiver has to rescue a baby, child, or disabled adult from experiencing the dangerous consequences of a choice they are about to make. Thank God for caring, loving parents and caregivers!
What I’m talking about when I talk about “rescuer energy” is having a mindset where one feels the need to constantly step in and intervene and “save” people psychologically from experiencing the consequences of their own choices and actions. Which, in turn, can actually lead to unhealthy consequences.
So, how do you know if you have “rescuer energy?”
Did you grow up in a family where you were the “caretaker,” the one everyone turned to when things were out of control?
Do you still feel the need to fix relationships around you when your loved ones are not getting along?
Do you feel a strong pull that drives you to consistently want to intervene in situations when no one has asked for your advice or interventions?
Are there people you sympathize with so strongly that it’s hard for you to NOT step in when they are suffering and try to rescue them from their own pain without really listening to them first and see how you can best serve them?
If so, you could be prone to “rescuer energy.”
And if those of us that have had this energy are honest, we realize that we’re not really helping situations when we operate this way. We actually make things worse. Trust me, I’ve learned this the hard way!
And if you’re reading this and you’re not identifying this in yourself, you may be thinking of someone you know – in your family or social circle – who is like this.
If you do have “rescuer energy,” here are some key questions to ask yourself this holiday season:
What feelings come up for you in situations where you normally jump in and try to fix relationships?
Is your impulse to intervene grounded in your own feelings of grief, discomfort, or pain?
What could you be avoiding in yourself by allowing other adults to be responsible for their own feelings, actions, and behaviors?
What can you do differently this holiday season to avoid stepping into this role?
If you are around someone who has “rescuer energy,” here are some key questions for you:
What feelings come up for your when you’re around this person? Are they unpleasant?
Do you find yourself thinking “just let it go! Quick trying to fix everything!”?
Or do you feel yourself pulled to go along with said rescuer when he or she feels the need to rescue the day?
Or does this person step in too quickly in your life when they think something is going wrong?
Do you perhaps need some space from this person or to set a boundary with this person if they jump into YOUR personal space without permission?
Another way to look at this is to honestly ask yourself these two questions:
Do you believe you are responsible FOR other adults in your lives? (meaning you take on responsibility for what they think, feel, and do – thereby putting yourself in the position of reacting to others and manipulating situations to make yourself feel better)
Or, do you believe you are responsible TO other adults in your lives? (meaning you recognize the autonomy of each individual to think, feel, and do – thereby honoring his or her digntiy as a human being and able to be in a position of loving, healthy support and guidance towards him or her)
Remember: the answers to these questions are not just important for you but also your loved ones. The key here is that I want to remind YOU that YOU get to pick!
Isn’t that empowering?
Happy Holidays,
Sean
