In this article series, I’ve been asking:
How do YOU prepare for the holidays?
In the last article, I introduced the “Karpman Drama Triangle” to help you become aware of possible unhealthy relationship dynamics you might find yourself tempted to get sucked into around the holiday season (or in general!).
As a reminder, the triangle has three corners labeled as following: 1) persecutor, 2) rescuer, and 3) victim.
Think of each of these words as describing a particular attitude, mindset, or energy that a person has that contributes to living in the triangle which involves unhealthy relationship dynamics and remember: all of these mindsets feed off each other.
You can’t have a persecutor mindset without having a victim to persecute and a rescuer to counter-balance you.
You can’t have a victim mindset without having a persecutor in mind and implicitly, a rescuer to look to.
You can’t have a rescuer mindset without a victim to rescue and a persecutor to rescue the victim from.
It’s a rather unholy trinity of chaos, disorder, and dysfunction!
Now that I’ve explained that, let’s focus on “persecutor energy.”
A persecutor is “someone who treats a group of people cruelly.”
At this point, you may be tempted to wonder: what on earth does this have to do with the holidays?
Well, I’m pretty sure you’ve all heard the stories…
Maybe it’s an uncle that likes to get drink excessively and acts inappropriately when the family gets together.
Or maybe it’s another family member, friend, or even acquaintance that crosses the line and makes mean and disrespectful comments.
The point is, more than likely you or someone you know has someone in the family – or your friends’ circle – that is especially toxic to be around during the holidays…
What do I mean by “toxic”?
By “toxic,” I am referring to behavior that is overtly disrespectful and violates boundaries despite repeated attempts to communicate with a person.
How might you know you’re around someone like this?
As you think about this person, you probably have or experience negative feelings like anger, resentment, stress, anxiety, nervousness, overwhelm, and sadness as you think of past memories or being around him or her. The point is, it’s not fun to be around them!
And how do you know if you’re this person?
Most people with “persecutor energy” probably wouldn’t be reading articles like this because they’re generally not as interested in growing emotionally or spiritually…BUT if you have been this person or find elements in yourself that act this way, then you can learn here too!
The key question I want to ask is:
How have you dealt with persecutors in your life and “persecutor energy”?
Do you dread going to events around this persecutor but still go, hoping for the best but expecting the worst because something bad happens every time you’re around them?
If yes, what feelings do you experience thinking of being around this person?
And importantly, if the answer is yes, would you like to approach the holidays differently this year?
What could you do to ensure you have more peace this holiday season?
Do you distance yourself from them? If so, what does that look like?
Or, if you know you may choose to be around such a person for a limited amount of time, can you decide ahead of time what your plan is in case they behave in a way you cannot tolerate or be around?
Another angle on this is…
Do you want to be a “peacekeeper” = someone who tries to please everyone else at the expense of their own peace so that things appear peaceful on the surface?
OR
Do you want to be a “peacemaker” = someone who is willing to set boundaries, confront, and engage conflict with the ultimate purpose of bringing about peace for themselves and those under their care?
Remember: the answers to these questions are not just important for you but also your loved ones. The key here is that I want to remind YOU that YOU get to pick!
Isn’t that empowering?
May you CHOOSE to THRIVE in this holiday season,
Happy Holidays,
Sean
