In continuing this series on “lessons learned in struggles,” I’d like to share with you another important lesson I’ve learned about how to approach people who are facing struggles:
Be careful about offering unsolicited advice!
Years ago, when I first started attending 12 step meetings, I learned that there was a rule in the meetings called “no cross-talk.”
The whole point of this rule was to keep people from jumping in and speaking directly to people in the meeting so they could have an uninterrupted opportunity to speak and express their thoughts and feelings.
Interestingly, one way to sometimes discern who the newcomers were was to notice the ones who were very quick to jump in and offer unsolicited advice to others.
In contrast, it was often the seasoned sages of the group that were quicker to listen and slower to speak but when they did, people paid attention!
I hope the irony isn’t lost on you that it was often the newcomers to the 12 step meetings – the ones who were just becoming aware that they may have an addiction or unhealthy habit – that were the ones often offering unsolicited advice.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that the advice given was always bad or wrong, but when people are struggling in those meetings, what they often appreciate the most is when others simply take time to listen to them and give them space to share their stories.
A great biblical example of unsolicited advice gone wrong is what ends up happening in the case of Job, a famous biblical characer in the Old Testament of the Bible.
Towards the beginning of the biblical narrative, Job loses all of his children, his animals, and his servants.
Scripture tells us his friends started off approaching him in what appears to be a compassionate and empathetic way.
Job 2:13
“12 When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words.”
However, after Job expresses how he feels,the majority of the book of Job –until we hear God’s response – is a fascinating exchange characterized in large part by Job reacting out of hurt and pain to his friends’ perhaps well-intended but sorely misguided unsolicited advice.
This goes on for 35 chapters of the book!
He is continuously misunderstood, judged, and pummelled with unsolicited advice that was not only unhelpful but was clearly quite painful for Job.
One important disclaimer here: I’m not saying it’s always wrong to give unsolicited advice but understand that tact and wisdom is required here.
Knowing when and how and with whom to give unsolicited advice is an art and requires sensitivey, wisdom, and an understanding of the nature of the relationship you have with the person you are seeking to offer advice to.
The point here is that it’s important to be cautious and careful about giving unsolicited advice particularly when people are facing struggles and already in a lot of pain.
As you consider this…
When you face struggles, are people around you quick to offer you unsolicited advice? How does that make you feel? Are these people you tend to go to or avoid when you are struggling?
And how are you at resisting the urge to immediately offer unsolicited advice when others are going through struggles vs. listening and seeking to understand them first?
Let’s thrive and not be quick to offer unsolicited advice to those who are struggling!
